I'm sitting in a friend's house watching a documentary on Netflix about some asshat making a website exploiting girls when I get a text message from a sibling backing out of the 'sibling weekend' I planned for mid-August. Why? Anniversary weekend on the 16th. Understandable. I just wish I meant a little more to them than their boyfriend since the weekend would be 19-21st and I planned it months ago. But, alas, I still understand. And I have five siblings, so it wouldn't be that bad, right? Well. If all but one didn't back out.
One wants to build a gun with our father after already saying they'd prob come. Never got a reply from another sibling because her boyfriend wouldn't be able to come. The other I'm not speaking to because they refuse to apologize to me. I shouldn't be as upset as I am, but I've been gone for two years living in another country, and no-one has shown a sense that they have missed me. I try planning a fun weekend and when something better comes along, they cancel on me.
It leaves me feeling useless, loveless, and ignored. I wish I could control my depression and hide it as well as I used to. It's not just with family members, but with friends. And I can't get emotional, because then I'm called 'psycho' and 'emotional' or I am 'overreacting' and 'childish.' I have been conditioned to keep every thought, every feeling, every fucking emotion to myself. I'm not allowed to feel. I'm not allowed to be hurt. I'm not allowed to be a victim, because no-one likes a fucking victim.
With friends doing the same to me, I've learned to stop making plans. I've learned to seclude myself. Because I'm not allowed to call people out for their shit. I'm not allowed to be angry.
I'm not allowed to be disappointed.
But who cares. Others have it worse. I'm not allowed to be upset.
